Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconsporks-and-knives: More from Sporks-And-Knives


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
January 21, 2013
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
72
Favourites
1 (who?)
Comments
0
×
SO was talking to Mary's friend Jake, and he insisted that I should create a character and write a story about him...
Soo... this is what I came up with. xD
__________________________________________________________________

It was 10:00 PM, a school night, and the young boy was still up playing his video games and listening to his music.
        "So I'll be on my wayyyyy!" he sung into the headset.
            "Yeah, on your way to bed, Jay!" Jaykob's mother laughed. "It's getting late, and it's a school night!"
        "But Mommmm!" Jaykob cried. "I don't wannnnnnt to go to bed!"
            "But Jayyyykob, I don't care if you wannnnnnt to or not! You're going to bed, and that's that!" Jay's mother glared. With an unhappy sigh, Jaykob ambled toward the Xbox. He pressed the power button, and with a faint whirrr, it shut off.
        "Mehhhhhh" Jaykob whined.
            "Mehhhh all you want, but you're going to mehhhh even more once you get up early tomorrow," implied his mom.


Chapter One


        Before Jaykob went to bed, he let his dog, Edaan outside. She was a beautiful Australian Cattle dog, and being loyal to her owners she hopped back inside after finishing up. (Jake, if you say anything bad about this, I'm gonna slap you >:C ) Jaykob gave Edaan a treat, patted her on the head softly, and let her follow him to his room. His mother came in, said goodnight, turned off the lights, and shut the door behind her. Jaykob began to drift to sleep, but there was a faint glowing outside his window. Edaan got up, straightened her tail, fluffed up her fur, and ran to the window, knocking everything in her way out of it. She didn't bark, her curiosity getting the best of her, she put her nose up to the window.
    "Edaan," Jaykob muttered. "Quit it! Honestly, you act like you're the best dog in the world, then you get all annoying and stuff." Edaan looked at Jaykob happily, then resumed smearing her wet nose all over the window. "Ugh," Jaykob grumbled. He then got up and opened the window to see what was out there, only to be pushed out of the way by Edaan, and with that, she gracefully jumped out of it.
    "Edaan!" Jaykob cried, then he pushed up the window all the way and jumped out of it, chasing Edaan. The local bank sign flashed 11:59 PM, then 40 degrees. Jaykob took no notice of it, keeping Edaan locked in his sight. "Edaan, please don't die, don't leave me now... I need you..." Jaykob thought. Teared welled up in his eyes just at the thought of Edaan's death, he attempted to push the thought out. His blonde hair whisked in the air, the moons' light giving his eyes a faint glow.  
    Jaykob heard tires screech. "Edaan! If you die, I'm gonna kill you - wait...." Being momentarily distracted, he ran right in front of a car. The car's horn blared.
    "Hey, kid! Get outta the road! Go to bed, 'er something! Ain't you got school tomorrow?" the person yelled. Jaykob stopped and fell to his knees.
    "Edaan... There's no hope for her, is there?" Jaykob quietly asked aloud.
        "Huh?" The person asked. He knelt on the ground, in front of Jaykob. "Hey, kid.. you probably should get outta the parking lot... Hold on - what's wrong? What's your name?"
               "..Jaykob," he coughed up in between sobs. "But.... Edaan..."
           "Eda-what? Oh - was that that dog who ran in front of that persons' car? Is it your dog?"
                "Yes," Jaykob looked up at the stranger hopefully. "Will you help me get her back?" The stranger was taken aback by Jaykob's blue eyes.
            "Of course I will!" He grabbed onto Jaykob's arm, trying to pour in more hope for the young child.
    "What's your name?" Asked Jaykob.
            "My name is Zane. Yours is Jaykob, right? And Eddie is your dog's name?" Zane wanted to get all of the names organized.
     "Yeah, my name's Jaykob, but you can call me Jay, if ya want. Edaan is her name," Jaykob corrected.
            "Jay.. not a very tough name to remember, eh? Edaan! Is your dog as beautiful as her name is?"
       "Yeah, she is! Man, if she dies.. my life won't ever be the same - no, it won't be my life. My life isn't mine without hers," Jaykob shook his head. "Do I even make sense?"
            "Of course you do.. Now, let's go find that dog of yer's." Zane stood up, helping Jaykob up alongside him.

 

Chapter Two

     Living in the city, Jaykob should be accustomed to all of the horns honking and tires screeching, but he jumped at every single one he caught wind of. Jaykob was sprinting before, his energy had been replenished by hope then. But now, Jaykob was growing tired and achey, and that hope had been long since disappearing. And, to make matters worse, Edaan was nowhere to be found. Zane began to catch up.

         "Hey, kid - it's getting late. Look, it's 3 AM. You should really be getting to bed," Zane attempted to persuade Jaykob in the midst of a yawn.
           "No.. I'm finding Edaan, no matter what I have to do to be by her side," Jaykob refused.

         "Wow, those are some inspiring words for a lil' kid like you. Hey, how old are you, anyway?" Zane asks, questioningly.

     "I'm ten. Well, almost ten. In a few months," Jaykob explained. Jaykob tried to act like he was tough, but you could see he was struggling. He couldn't handle it. A tear rolled down his cheek. "I want to go home," Jaykob cried. He ran over to Zane, and hugged him. Zane picked him up, and carried him all the way to his house.

         "You'll help me look for Edaan tomorrow, right?" Zane asks. "Or do I go alone?" 

      "You're going to look for Edaan?" Jaykob asked, surprised.

         "Of course - you're my friend. Friends do stuff for each other, right?" Zane looked at Jaykob.

      "Yeah... They do.." Jaykob's mother appeared at the front door, trying to stay calm.

         "Jay! What were you doing?!" She practically screamed at him, but she was hugging him, afraid he would run off once more.

      "Edaan.. jumped out the window..."

             "What?! Edaan? She wouldn't do that.. I don't understand. Are you trying to play a trick on me?"

          "No, ma'am," Zane interrupted. "I helped him look for his dog,"

             "Well, okay. We can go look for her tomorrow, alrighty? You need to get some rest, Jay," his mother said. "And, mister.. uhh... what's your name?"

         "Zane," he shook her hand. "Pleasure to meet you.. Well.. er.. You know what I mean."

             "You too," Jaykob's mother sighed. "Feel free to stay over in the guest room, if you'd like. You look worn out."
     "Oh, I can't. My mom would probably freak out," Zane shrugged.

             "Really? How old are you?"    
   "Seventeen," Zane muttered. "You'd think she'd trust me by now, eh?"
              "No, not a chance, hah. Anywho, you'd better get home. Or you'll mom'll freak. Plus, you better be here tomorrow, or you'll have a mad nine-year-old following you around."
       "Bye! Bye, Jaykob!"

     "Bye, Zane," Jaykob yawned. "Take care." With a slight wave goodbye, Zane walked off.

             "Now, Jaykob, don't go jumping out any more windows. Go to bed."   

      "I'm not going to be able to sleep."

             "I know. But we all have to try, right? Edaan is part of our family. All we can do right now is hope."

SO I was talking to Mary's friend Jake, and he insisted that I should create a character for him and write a story to go along with it.
This story is about a young boy who tries to get over his dog, Edaan's, death, rediscovers the light Edaan was after, touches it, and receives the form of Edaan of which he can take whenever he wants. The light eventually grew so bright, as a result it blinded his right eye.
:iconblueskywatcher:
Okay so

First of all its a fairly good story I guess, since you were being forced to create it. It probably could have been a bit longer and more detailed but you were tired.

Secondly, I dont quite understand part of it. At the beginning you say Little did they both know that there may not be a tomorrow for Jaykob" but then nothing really happens... one would expect Jaykob to die or be abducted or something. I certainly didn't think there would be a happy ending to this.

Thirdly, I think there could have been a bit more to it. Like maybe some sort of twist at the end that leads into the next chapter thing and makes people want to keep reading it. You know, a cliff-hanger of the sort. Taking your personality into consideration, I'm expecting some type of creepy, mysterious twist. Maybe SlenderMan gets him or theres a monster or a murder or something.

Fourthly (did I spell that right?) I think you did a great job at being creative with this one. Especially with the names. Even though I previously said there could be more, I do like what you have now. It is easy to imagine whats going on in the preview (Don't know what to call that part before the actual chapter) And the fact that you used "sound effects" made it easy for me, and probably any reader, to imagine exactly what is going on.

So to sum it all up

Creativity: Although I think there could have been more detail added in, the creativity and originality is good. Five stars for you :]

Vision: It was easy to imagine what was going on in the beginning, but I think you should have added more detail in when Jaycob was running to catch Edaan. So 4.5 stars

Technique I don't exactly know why, but I do quite love your writing style. And the way you used sound effects made it even better. Five stars :]

Impact There wasn't really anything in this story that violently grabbed my attention. In all honesty I do think you should have added something dramatic or some type of plot twist that would keep people interested in all of the chapters that you write. Think about adding something like that in the future chapters. So four stars.

All in all it was pretty good c: I hope all of that made sense since its my first critique.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconashensart:
Don't give away potential answers to cliffhangers in the description! Keep it interesting! You used a lot of imagination for the names, I love how you spiced up the name "Jacob" (or Jakob, Jake, etc).

Anyway...

Vision
Your 'style' of writing catches my eye, I don't exactly know how or why, but it does. I can hear /your/ (sort of) voice reading it to me, and it has a soft vibe. I can easily see what and who /you/ are talking about in this piece.

Originality – Believe it or not, I haven't read many books that involve this sort of /technique?/ It could have been a bit more detailed, but, agreeing with ~blueskywatcher you were tired and wanted to roll off to bed. :P Scanning through your previous literature submissions, I can tell you are attempting to create your own sort of... writing style?

Technique – This work could be better - but, once you get into the /vibe/ of this story, plan it out more, I'm sure it'll be great!

Impact – At the beginning of the story, I had to look up what an Australian Cattle Dog looked like, lol. You chose a beautiful breed.
I can only imagine how Jaykob felt when Edaan jumped out of the window and ran into the city streets, because I've never experienced something like this. (My cat would never leave the house, lol, and if she did, she would come right back. Never would venture that far from her cat dish)

All in all, you did set up a very imaginative story - my favorite part was the beginning, where you used the word ambled. Did you have to look that up? lol

This is my very first critique, so I hope this made sense. xD
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: